A Hair Raising Experience

originally posted 8/21/08 on FOXSports.com

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO TONY'S HAIR
BNN UNCOVERS AFTERMATH OF OPERATION "WAX SMOKE"

Charlotte- Five months ago, an undiclosed neighborhood in Charlotte was rocked by the sounds of two-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Tony Stewart screaming in agony as his back was waxed for charity. That prompted a number of letters to BNN Headquarters asking "what happened to all the hair they pulled off Tony's back?"

After a thorough investigation, BNN can now reveal that a major portion of Smoke's excess hair went to Chad Knaus, the crew chief for two-time and reigning Sprint Cup champion Jimmie Johnson.

Knaus(r) in 2007; Knaus today

When asked for a comment, Johnson told BNN "Hey, I paid $10,000 for some of that hair! I wanted to make sure it got put to good use." Knaus could not be reached for comment.

What Goes On In The Hallowed Halls Of NASCAR???

originally posted 6/15/08 on FOXSports.com

NASCAR DECISION MAKING PROCESS REVEALED
BNN GIVEN UNPRECEDENTED ACCESS TO NASCAR HEADQUARTERS

Daytona Beach- The CoT. We want drivers to show some passion. Shut up and drive the car. Penalties given to one team for infactions on and off the track. No penalties given to another team for committing the same infractions. It's enough to keep Sprint Cup teams and drivers thoroughly confused and fans asking "what the **** is NASCAR thinking?"

So exactly what goes into the NASCAR decision making process? Beagle News Network was given unprecedented access to the inner workings of NASCAR including how NASCAR decides everything from what penalties will be handed down to which tracks will be awarded race dates for the upcoming season and everything in between.

NASCAR corporate meetings are not much different from any other corporation in America. On the appointed day at the appointed time, NASCAR's various division heads and competition directors meet at NASCAR headquarters to discuss the issues facing the sanctioning body and the sport of stock car racing. That's where the similarities end.

Once everyone is assembled and the conference room doors are closed, Brian France goes to a special cabinet , unlocks the door, and pulls out a small box. The box is placed on the conference table and opened, revealing the oracle that will make all of NASCAR's decisions.

the NASCAR oracle

One by one, those assembled pose their questions, and the oracle gives its answers. When all questions have been answered (or tabled for a later meeting), the oracle is placed back in its box and returned to its cabinet. During race weekends, the oracle is kept locked in a safe inside the NASCAR hauler ready to make those all important decisions like was a driver speeding on pit road or is it time to throw a caution for debris.

Did You Hear That?????

originally posted 5/16/08 on FOXSports.com

CHARLOTTE POLICE ANNOUNCE RESULTS OF NOISE COMPLAINT INVESTIGATION
LARGE VOLUME OF COMPLAINTS PROMPTED INQUIRY

Charlotte- Charlotte police announced the results of their investigation into complaints from Charlotte residents concerning an unusual noise.

According to the complaints, the unidentified sound is heard every day of the week, but it is most noticeable on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays.

Charlotte police placed recording devices at various locations throughout Charlotte, and sound engineering professors from the University of North Carolina-Charlotte as well as Charlotte area media outlets, analyzed the tapes .

In a press conference from police headquarters, a CPD spokesman made the following statement:

"After a thorough investigation into the strange sound and careful analysis of audio tapes, we can state with 100% certainty that the sound being heard throughout the Charlotte area is the sound of Kyle Busch laughing all the way to the bank."

Police officials expect that the sound will continue to be heard for quite sometime.

Of course by the time the Chase rolled around, Kyle stopped laughing.

Partgate, Pt. 2

originally posted 3/29/2008 on FOXSports.com

NASCAR TEAMS TOLD TO INVENTORY PARTS
MORE MISSING PARTS FOUND

Martinsville- Following allegations of intellectual espionage from Roush Fenway Racing owner Jack Roush, NASCAR officials ordered all teams to do an immediate and complete inventory of every part in their respective shops. The mandatory parts inventory comes after revelations that Michael Waltrip Racing had been in posession of a sway bar belonging to Roush Fenway.

"We want to make absolutely certain that every single part is where it belongs." said Robin Pemberton, NASCAR's competition director.

Upon completion of the inventory, MWR owner Michael Waltrip called an improptu news conference to announce that MWR personnel discovered more Roush Fenway parts in the MWR storeroom.

"We're just plum embarrassed about this one, " Waltrip told reporters. "Of course, the parts were immediately returned to RFR as soon as they were discovered."

The parts in question appear to be Jack Roush's marbles.

The Real Reason Behind Jr's Dismal 2007 Season

originally posted 3/16/2008 on FOXSports.com

IMPOSTER WREAKS HAVOC WITH DALE EARNHARDT, JR.
LOOK ALIKE POSED AS CREW CHIEF

Mooresville, NC- A six month long investigation has uncovered the real reason behind Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s disappointing final season with Dale Earnhardt, Inc.

Throughout the 2007 season, many fans speculated that Earnhardt, Jr.'s stepmother, Theresa, was behind the bad luck which plagued NASCAR's most popular driver. Those speculations proved unfounded with the discovery that an imposter had been posing as Junior's crew chief, Tony Eury, Jr. The imposter has been identified as Larry, the Cable Guy.

Members of Junior's former DEI crew were shocked to learn of the imposter, but no one was as shocked as Junior himself.

"The man is my cousin," Junior told reporters. "We grew up together. You'd think I'd know my own cousin." Other Earnhardt family members said that they, too, were taken aback by the uncanny resemblance of the imposter to Tony, Jr. Side by side photos show the strong resemblance between the two men

Martin Truex, Jr., Dale Jr.'s former DEI teammate said upon seeing the photos, "Man, they sure do look alike, but obviously the imposter couldn't "Git r done"."

Team officials at Hendrick Motorsports, which signed Jurnior after his much publicized split with DEI, told reporters that they have instituted security measures that will guarantee that it is indeed Tony Eury, Jr. on the pit box . A Hendrick spokesman refused to comment on what those security measures are.

A follow up blog was posted 5/28/09

BNN "NEWS" ALERT---

The crack investigative staff at Beagle News Network has just uncovered the REAL reason behind Tony Eury Jr's departure as crew chief of the #88.

Earlier today, Hendrick Motorsports announced that Tony Jr. will step down from the pit box and take a position in the company's Research and Development department. An anonymous spokesman at HMS offered further explanation, "Tony Jr. will be researching new material to further develop his comedy career as Larry the Cable Guy."

According to the website eventful.com, Tony Jr's alter-ego, Larry the Cable Guy, will be kicking off his latest comedy tour June 13 in Manchester, UK. He will follow that with dates in London, Wolverhampton, and Dublin, Ireland before returning stateside for a July 4th appearance in Lincoln, Nebraska.

We here at BNN wish both Tony and Larry much success in their upcoming endeavors.

Have You Seen This Man??????

originally posted 3/5/08 on FOXSports.com

SABOTAGE SUSPECTED IN #99 MISSING OIL LID
ROUSH FENWAY OFFICIALS RELEASE PHOTO OF SUSPECT

Las Vegas- Officials form Roush Fenway Racing announced today that they believe sabotage is the reason Carl Edwards' #99 Ford failed post race inspection following the UAW-Dodge Dealers 400 this past Sunday.

"Several teams reported seeing a strange character lurking around the cars prior to the start of the race, " a Roush Fenway spokesman told reporters. "Fortunately security cameras installed in the #99 war wagon captured a picture of the suspected saboteur."

Roush Fenway officials are offering a reward for any information leading to the arrest and capture of the suspect pictured below.

Qualifying Changes on the Way

originally posted 2/21/08 on FOXSports.com

SPONSORS FORCE CHANGES IN NASCAR QUALIFYING
NEW FORMAT FAVORS FASTEST

Charlotte, NC- In what is widely regarded as a major coup for corporate America, NASCAR Chairman Brian France announced sweeping changes in the qualifying procedure for its Sprint Cup races. The changes come after team sponsors threatened to boycott NASCAR until changes were made. The announcement came during a press conference held at NASCAR’s Research and Development facility in Charlotte.

“Race cars run on money,” France said, “and the majority of that money comes from individual team sponsors. Without them, we don’t have much of a race.”

Sponsors objected to NASCAR’s “Top 35” rule that guaranteed spots in the race to those teams that were in the top 35 in owner’s points. The rule sent many teams- and their sponsors- back to Charlotte with nothing to show. Some of those sponsors that have gone home are household names among American corporations. Burger King, Little Debbie, and UPS are just three of those sponsors who missed races last season.

The new format- which will be in place for this Sunday’s race at California Speedway- requires the driver to name all of his sponsors in 20 seconds or less. Drivers with the fastest time and fewest mistakes will race on Sunday. Already the effects of this change are being heard throughout the garage area. Replacing the familiar sounds of air tools and engines are the sounds of drivers reciting such phrases as “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,” “She sells sea shells down by the seashore,” and “rubber baby buggy bumpers.”

NASCAR insiders expect that with the changes in qualifying, Michael Waltrip will be on the pole for most of this season’s remaining races.